Sunday, December 11

This one for you and me

People change, or they need a change for some reasons.

Whether for own good or bad one? It's up to them. As for me, personally I hate changes. I keep talking to myself that something wasn't good enough. I need more, and more. I'm dying of a satisfaction and perfection even though both of them do not exist in this some kind of world. Oh ya, I just changed almost the whole thing in my baby blog. Still stick with the red theme of color. I don't know why but I'm just madly in love with red recently. Red is a rare, don't you think? But green is a wayyyyyyy rarer! LOL.

I've been online for like hours and at the end of the day, I'm getting bored and guess what I did next? Going through all the old posts. Well reading back the posts somehow made me smile. We tend to forget what we've had in the past just because we give a full attention on what we're doing now. We want to do everything to achieve a golden opportunity in front but in real life, we've already got it. We just don't realized. Couldn't agree more with this past-is-past quote but sometimes, we just need to look back. To have your own criticism. No one can help you unless you yourself wanna make a change. Small or big one changes, doesn't really matter.

I'm afraid to admit that I've changed because honestly, I love the old me. The innocent and kind of a shy girl, that won't talk to anyone until you approach her first. Only then, she would comfort you with everything she got. People might think I'm snobby but it's the only way for me to show my egos. I hate being a weak person, I think that's why I weep my tears and throw the sadness away which causing pain in me. People barely to see me, cursing in madness. I prefer to choose being in silence rather than I've to talk about what actually I feel. I'm no good in arranging sweet words which then eventually lead me to a feeling of self-hatred.

Especially in relationships.

I don't really understand what guys actually want from me. Instead of being a sulking girlfriend, I'm always the one who have to settle everything even though it's not my fault at the first place. Yes, I didn't say any word towards them but that doesn't mean I have no feelings. Fyi, I do have one and it's fragile. I've been hurt like so many times and it's enough. I couldn't accept more. What I did all this while was for the sake of love and good but seems, it's not working. Truth be told, I'm losing hope. I'm losing trust. I'm losing, love? I care too much but I think I've done enough. This might sounds pathetic but I miss being pampered by someone. I miss everything I used to have in this subjective term of relationships.

Early in the beginning, it was all good. No, it was beyond great. We're just crazy in love, till we couldn't stop texting and telling how much we missed each other so bad. But look at us now, what've happened I'm not really sure why. I couldn't always text or call you because you once said, you're not that always-on-the-phone-type of guy and you have much work to do instead of spending time with me. You were study hard until you forget to send me a goodnight text at least? We are in the same college but it's freaking weird why we don't even looking for the time for us to just sit and chill together? Frankly I get jealous with other couples, dating or studying together. I don't ask to be exactly in the same way with them but I just want to have a part of that thing they did.

Is it shameful to have me as your girlfriend? Or I'm not worth enough to gain all your attention? I have a desire to introduce you to the whole world but I couldn't start it even in Facebook? In Twitter? People always wonder who's the guy I'm being relationship with because there's no any clue to know. We don't have to bother about what people gonna say because they won't stop. Seriously, I don't mind if people hating me because of our relationship as long as I own your heart. And I believe you would always be there, to protect me? No? Then I have nothing much to say except for a thousand questions flying in my mind. I'm not asking for more, just a quality time with you.

I love you and I wait for you. Still and forever.

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